By me 2 years ago

Lord I don't wanna be here all alone
So storm my heart and make me your own
Here I stand in my transgressions and sins
All evil thoughts and no good within
But I fell down, Jesus, in front of your tree
Prayed for your mercy and you set me free
And your freedonm comes in my deepest storm
I get tossed and pulled and the waves crash down
But you've loved me first and you won't let go

Memories

To drive down a road one used to take is an experience altogether singular. Whether in sunlight or darkness, the memories of the road and what it led to at times are fully lucid, or at least the picture they call to mind is.

Memories of children abandoned find me today, of their faces, defensive but hoping for love, like the children that most of us are. Actually I can barely remember their faces, or even their names. I can remember the name of a holocaust survivor, but not the names of six children surviving their own holocaust. All i remember is the dark road to the house that took them in, their fits of violence and  of violent love, the stories I told them and their refusal to go to sleep. I told them stories of soldiers to make them behave; of our nation's brave who obey and are strong.

I gave them love to make them strong, but in the end I don't know what happened to them. I pray that those short few months are still a distant memory to them, that people that loved them and prayed with them and gave them stories of soldiers will not fade too far from their hearts. But most of all for them I want hope and peace and love, like that I've found with Christ, and that which I tried to give them.

5

I'm getting big

I'm getting grown

I'm louder than

I've ever been

Because of being 5

I'm getting old

I'm getting tired

I'm making noise

And running hard

Because of being 5

I spin around

In spinny chairs

 I groan and sing aloud

I dream up to the stratosphere

Because of being 5

Avoid Hypocrisy by striving to live for God the way you should with honesty about the remnants of sin in your heart and life. Don't pretend to be good, but don't abandon the pursuit of Christ-likeness because you are not like Him yet.

soulscream

your soul is a fire

exploding through space

your love is entirely

filling our space

as we run through horizons 

and clutch at our dreams

that bright streaming soulscream

will make our hearts free

heartfull

Streets paved with prejudice

hearts full of shame

daughter of zion

is that still your name?

Compassion, Combustion

Compulsion to run

Redeemer, Messiah

This fight will be won.

Worshipping, Screaming

and crying His name

His love is the cover

 His peace is your gain

Yeshua, Avinu

All comfort He owns

So run broken daughter

and rest at His throne.

driving fast with the windows down

Dipping my fingers in the water-wind of time

as the tendrils of my hair whip around my face

totally totality beautiful insanity

rapid songs and split-toned dreams

emulsions floating full of themes

darkroom feelings clattering

eat my soul and reign supreme

freedom calls and hear me scream

down we go and dream and dream

alive alive we feel alive

hair on fire, car in drive

the name forever on our lips

is Jesus our redeemer

the theme of all our earthly days

eternity's refrain

Resolved: To fuse my moments of banality with the passion I wish i were spending in climbing distant mountain ranges and swimming in far-off seas. If I am to right now live in the everyday routine, then I must really LIVE it.
To dance with the attitude that it may be my last dance, to love people as if it may be my last day to love them, to frame each photograph with the knowledge that it may be the last view through my eyes that anyone could ever see.
This living's not for me. It's so much bigger than I feel.

Something I'm working on...

Once there lived a little boy

His name was Peter Andy

He often stopped to watch the planes

as they loaded and fled from the ground

Peter was happy just watching them fly

But one day he started to think

“where do they come from and where do they go?”

Every craft would return on its own

He crept up much closer to where the planes lived

And to Peter’s surprise all the people were gone

All he could smell was the burn of his town

The smell of his clothes that were really just trash

The planes were so shiny, so clean and brand new

He wondered, “Could he be as new as them too?”

He wandered much closer and saw in the panels

The reflection of him and how dirty he was.

He sat on the pavement, his heart growing sad

There was hope that had drawn him

But hope of a life far away in the sky, he thought

Surely impossible for one filthy as I

Of a sudden a man came walking to Peter

He said “Have you come for the ride?

It’s a long and dark journey, but the end is all joy

Now is the time to board today

Come along or forever stay.”

Peter looked up at the man, surely crazy.

“Did you  see what I look like, how filthy, unclean?

I’d soil the seats, I’d ruin the plane,

I don’t belong there, I never could come.

The man just took one big step closer

And took young Peter by the hand

“No one who comes is clean for the plane

We do that for you, it’s part of the plan.”

Peter just stared, t’was a lot to take in

The man wanted Peter and could make him all clean

Peter looked over his shoulder to home

And suddenly knew what a place that it was

Home was burning and burning

His home was a trash heap

Everyone there was as filthy as he

The poison they breathed was the air of destruction

Their whole life was dying

He saw that all now.

“Today is the day where you have to decide”

The man stretched out his hand and took Peter’s inside

“It’s forever or nothing and now you must choose,

Will you travel away into the sky?

Or stay here forever and surely here die?”

Peter felt that his heart was divided within

He knew the filth from which he had come

But the filth was the comfort he’s always known

To be clean would be strange and just so far away

But he knew at the heart of the depth of his heart

There was no going back, He had to take part.

He stepped toward the man and said

“This takes my life, we’d better go

Soon before the light is all gone.”

They ran to the plane and climbed quickly in.

The man hugged Peter and said

I’ll be up front, flying this thing

You won’t always see me, but I won’t let us down.

Out stepped a girl, her clothes somewhat clean

Cleaner than Peter but not as clean as the man.

She said “Come on, Peter! Glad you’re aboard!

I’ll show you how we live.

“The journey’s long,” the girl began

“But trust the pilot, the man that you met

There will be storms and turbulent times

But that’s where our seatbelts come in.

The plane may shake and bounce all around

Sometimes there’s lightning and sometimes it’s loud.

But even if we are out of control

The Pilot’s ships always arrive safe at the last.”

Peter sat and he buckled on in

He realized his clothes were less dirty already.

Nothing He’d done, but in places where the pilot had lifted him up

The stains were much lighter the stench was much weaker.

His heart swelled with joy as the liftoff ensued

And the view as the plane touched the edge of the sky

And the pilot exclaimed

“It’s beautiful now, wait till I come again.”

Peter could rest now like never before

The food that the pilot made was unlike any he’d known

And the time that he spent with the pilot was full

Of laughter and joy, and cleansing some more.

The girl came around every now and again

But when he focused on the pilot

He barely could see anything more

 Than the smile on his face and the touch of his hand

Filled with love, filled with life, and full of his grace.

After some time the pilot didn’t come near as much

And Peter grew restless and wandered around

One day near the kitchen that was stocked with good food,

He smelled something earthy and not all that good.

A smell he remembered that made his head light with feeling

And when he saw what it was all his senses went reeling

A stash of the garbage that rotted behind

The kitchen in a pail that had yet to be dumped.

The boy could remember the taste of this slop

He remembered at first with an uneasy feeling

Then he remembered his favorite rotten delights

The smell overwhelmed his mind and his thoughts

His memories kept growing stronger and stronger.

He walked out the door but his mind stayed within

Thinking of garbage and how much he’d found

And of how much it filled him when he’d been at home

They were blessings turned sour, not at their right time

He knew his food was better, but couldn’t resist

The temptation to taste of the garbage again.

He started to sneak little handfuls away.

He lost his taste for the Pilot’s food

His days spent instead consuming nasty old fish heads

The pilot was gone far longer than usual

And the habit grew larger and larger and larger.

The pains in his stomach grew worse as the days passed

And It came to a point where he couldn’t get up

The trash became trash again in a different pail

And his nausea consumed him but mixed with desire.

‘I feel I will die” screamed Peter that day

“How could the pilot leave me this way?

Why would he leave pails of stuff lying around that could make me this sick,

That could bring me to death?

When Peter was worse than he ever had been

The pilot came down from the cockpit and said

“My peter, why would you go back to that trash

When my cooking for you is the best of the best?”

Peter just groaned and he whined in his shame

“I don’t know what I was thinking

It’s made me so sick

I know your ways are the best and your place is my rest.”

The Pilot nursed Peter back to health

And gave him a diet of what would be best

Peter recovered and the pilot said then

“I’m going up front and don’t know when I’m coming

Back, but watch for me patiently, eating my food for my best is your best.”

(to be continued/improved upon)

thoughts from tonight

God has perfect designs and times for the gifts He gives, and trying to use these gifts in any way or at any time other than He has designed is like having a tree that produces beautiful fruit but eating the fruit when it is not ripe, or when it has rotted, or eating just the seed and the stem. Your stomach may be filled but you will probably get sick, and no matter the immediate consequences, you will have missed out on the best possible thing, the perfectly matured fruit at the perfect time.

God's plan here is not a plan for human satisfaction, but a plan to display how great his love and mercy are, and somehow when we partake of that, living in the way He designs, then we will find satisfaction from His glory, from living out His designs. His ways so far transcend us, that this is the ultimate best; to find the greatest joy and satisfaction from forsaking our own desires and plans and living for the glory of another.

The Invitation

I'm so full of sin
But you're so full of grace
and you're reaching to me
and your promises all say

Come as you are
Come meet with me
I am the Truth
and the truth makes you free
leave all your sins
I have grace to forgive you
child of mine
it's for you I have died

I can hardly believe
there could be mercy so free
But when I fall and you catch me
I keep hearing you singing

Come as you are
come meet with me
I am the truth
and the truth makes you free
leave all your sins
I have grace to forgive you
child of mine
it's for you I have died

Come weary sinner, poor and unworthy
darkness to light, look, the glory is shining
Come weary sinner, I am your father
I am your portion, I love you for always

flying

leaving the ground the sunset lines

the glow that's running through the skies

Your love is a mystery of destiny and why

like how they persuade these giant airplanes to fly

and the way it feels when my feet leave the ground

when the gravity pins me straight to my seat

it's a rush it's a change but the joy is the same

when i read of your love or i see hearts transformed 

or i learn of your grace and your mercy so strong

all the ways that you take me to circling round

from the things that I love to the ways of your son

remind me of airplanes and days full of joy

soaring up miles high thinking of you

and my heart is content with your love

Love thoughts?

Love paints a picture of Jesus' face

Our actions a shadow, a touch of His grace

Loving, our method, our course and our guide

Showing a glimpe of all that sin hides

Let me lead you to this other worlds

Full of the peace and the light we can't see

Made from the glory our minds cannot reach

Reaching out to touch little parts of these lives

Finding a way to support to survive

Pointing the way through current tribulations

Leading the way to my Lord's perfect station

Only in Jesus can any find rest

Only with him will the demons meet death

Help me to show just a glimpse of his face

And my life will surely be running the race

Thought: Learning to love is more important than learning about ghosts. 

A song born out of struggle

a while ago i doubted strong

and feared if i believed in God

i knew somehow i had to find 

a way to see if i believed

in all these things so hard

like hell bound people in a 

theater of God's design and if that's right

i know the answer how it's all of Him

that he can do whatever just so

he will have the final say

bringing glory to himself is

all the highest good there is

and this i know, that this is true

that He is bigger and more worthy

but the worst thing was that

i can look inside my heart and see that

i do not belong within his courts

my heart is far rebellious still

and many days i just don't love him yet

but for some reason i can not escape him

there is just a hold too tight 

he grasped my heart and wants it still

i don't believe it sometimes but his

love is stronger than my doubts and worries

that his plan may be the less than best

and if he's even real at all

i tested if my heart believed and all that i could 

reconcile was God is bigger than my heart

and whether i can understand it

he is best and all deserving all the highest accolades i

ever bring to anything. 

my god is so big, so strong and so mighty,

there's nothing my god can not do

and he holds to my heart though at times i don't want him

and though i'd like to doubt him he'll always be stronger

and picking me up when i fall down for years

into beautiful agony, doubt riddled fears

but someday i'm free from this body of sin and that death is the door out of

death into life.

i can't run from him and somehow it brings me to loving him more.

oh god i can't run and there's no where to hide

my dark little space is laid bare by your light

and you are the only one that i need.

David wrote psalms despairing at first

he ached and he groaned with the rest of creation

wondering why we can not win

i'd like to think he ached for years and even when he

triumphed with you he was still right in the thick of it

but at the end of all despair he saw your light and you were there

the point of all his suffering, he needed you, you are the king.

  

even though i'm still a struggler

lonely, vile, can't reconcile

i know you're with me, though 

i think that you should leave me

just to rot like i deserve

and i can't fathom why you'd pick me 

and my life just feels so hard

the pressure crashes

and i feel like i just fall back deeper 

in the hole i'm digging

trying to get out but only 

getting further in 

but there's this good work you have started 

and you keep me to the end so

i won't forget your holy power 

and that darkness shows there's light

and in the midst of all my trouble 

i will look to you and fight

to race to joy that you have offered

solely in your self.

God my love is you.

english thoughts

true love leads to
sight transcending
prior states of heart

She

her soul is poetry

posies and paint

her eyes are the laughter

and hope of the sea

her hair finds the sunlight

in all the moon's dreams

her life leads the jonquils

to spring fresh with joy

her heart makes delightful

the bluebirds in may

the cardinals sing when she

passes their way

in the strictest of times

she will smile for spite

of the darkness of life

in the still of the night

in abundance of pleasures

she temperate grows

for past undergoings

have taught her "go slow"

she smiles at the future

and sings from the past

the love songs of ages

til laughter will last.

ramblings on love

Sometime’s i’m overwhelmed by the love of God for us.

I can’t seem to love anything very strongly

for very long on my own at all, but He,

He loves me when i run from Him, when I 

fall away and only love myself

His love pursued me his love chose me

His love called me out from being dead

His love made me live and keeps me now

and i will never ever be forsaken

this is far more greatly dear to 

me than i could ever start to tell

this love just permeates my heart

the only son he ever had

the Father gave him up for ME

for me and you and HE

He went to die an awful death

just to save our rotten lives

we have finally been made free

we are fully free to be

all in love with all he is

able now to die to self

to love another more than us

to go beyond our own desires

love the God who loved us first

be the children he has loved

rest in Christ for he is home

know the spirit’s comforting

and someday soon

we’ll all be

fully

home.

Job 9&10 and Resolution

so close that we can not escape

so far above that we can't stand

the reaching up that never ends

who can ever make reply

who can try to reason why

and who can ever make 

this separation end

there is no one who understands

there is no one to go between

we're reaching out

but falling short

this longing empty fills our lives

we need a man who knows of god

a god who comes to go between

a loving priest to make amends

before you Lord, oh who can stand?

the perfect man, a living way

to know the heights and dive the depths

to come full close and reach our hearts

to fully close our separation

and to end our condemnation

you have met the Lord's decrees

you have made our souls go free

still i can not make reply

you are Holy, Christ on high

now we stand before the throne

joined in you, completely home.

A song I wrote

Little Baby Lord
A Christmas Song

(I know i'm not the best singer and it's not the best song ever, but i wanted to share it)
:)

Lyrics-

Little baby in the cold
Body wrapped with swaddling clothes
Heaven in those strips of rags
the shepherds fall in wonder.
God revealed in flesh and bone
Plans to reconcile a world
To pay the debt we'd die to own
All drowning, going under

Little baby Lord
In your will we stand
Through the fate you bore
We're alive within.
Justifying death
On a cursed tree
Our new life began
On the day that you were born

Little baby lying there
All God's fullness in your eyes
Come to live to die alone
Forsaken by your Father
All our sin you'll take away
Condemnation fully swayed
We give our lives in praise to you
And worship full of wonder

epiphany

I've been struggling to understand what you mean when

you say you satisfy my every need

but lying here i understand a part

your joy is full enough to satisfy my heart

the love i want you freely give

if i'm not full i'm filling from an empty source

when all the bounty you have planned

is far beyond what i'm clutching in my hands

I want to fill my heart, but you

want to take it past that, you

want to give me a new heart

entirely which will be far beyond

the limits i've been thinking of

grace so full with you is found

grace to cover all my sins

let the healing streams about

make and keep me pure within