A song born out of struggle

a while ago i doubted strong

and feared if i believed in God

i knew somehow i had to find 

a way to see if i believed

in all these things so hard

like hell bound people in a 

theater of God's design and if that's right

i know the answer how it's all of Him

that he can do whatever just so

he will have the final say

bringing glory to himself is

all the highest good there is

and this i know, that this is true

that He is bigger and more worthy

but the worst thing was that

i can look inside my heart and see that

i do not belong within his courts

my heart is far rebellious still

and many days i just don't love him yet

but for some reason i can not escape him

there is just a hold too tight 

he grasped my heart and wants it still

i don't believe it sometimes but his

love is stronger than my doubts and worries

that his plan may be the less than best

and if he's even real at all

i tested if my heart believed and all that i could 

reconcile was God is bigger than my heart

and whether i can understand it

he is best and all deserving all the highest accolades i

ever bring to anything. 

my god is so big, so strong and so mighty,

there's nothing my god can not do

and he holds to my heart though at times i don't want him

and though i'd like to doubt him he'll always be stronger

and picking me up when i fall down for years

into beautiful agony, doubt riddled fears

but someday i'm free from this body of sin and that death is the door out of

death into life.

i can't run from him and somehow it brings me to loving him more.

oh god i can't run and there's no where to hide

my dark little space is laid bare by your light

and you are the only one that i need.

David wrote psalms despairing at first

he ached and he groaned with the rest of creation

wondering why we can not win

i'd like to think he ached for years and even when he

triumphed with you he was still right in the thick of it

but at the end of all despair he saw your light and you were there

the point of all his suffering, he needed you, you are the king.

  

even though i'm still a struggler

lonely, vile, can't reconcile

i know you're with me, though 

i think that you should leave me

just to rot like i deserve

and i can't fathom why you'd pick me 

and my life just feels so hard

the pressure crashes

and i feel like i just fall back deeper 

in the hole i'm digging

trying to get out but only 

getting further in 

but there's this good work you have started 

and you keep me to the end so

i won't forget your holy power 

and that darkness shows there's light

and in the midst of all my trouble 

i will look to you and fight

to race to joy that you have offered

solely in your self.

God my love is you.